Change?

Change can come for the better or for the worst. I thought a change would be good and that going to Calgary would be a good idea. I talked to my friend and she convinced me that staying is the smartest thing. But then my mom, who apparently can read minds, bombards me and tells me that she thinks I need a change and has already called all my relatives that are scattered through-out Alberta. Crazy huh? My friend and I are trying to create a professional and convincing arguement as why I should stay, but so far, no dice. My mom and dad are so set in their ways. If they've desided this, there is no changing their minds.
I know I said I wanted to go, but now I think that going would be the worst thing. Everybody needs change, but this is running away from everything thats going on. Surprisingly, Gopher agrees with them. I don't know why.
He and I had a complete heart-to-heart about my depression last night. He thinks I have all these problems when I really don't. He's making a big deal out of a small problem. He makes it sound so much worse then it actually is, like he's being a drama queen and it's really annoying. It basically came down to I either get therapy or I lose him from my life forever. A long time ago, Karen (a family counsellor) told my mom that ultimatums would only make things with me worse. Take that Gopher!!

Last night around 1am, I was laying on my bed, writing in my journal, when I had a huge revelation. Thunder by Boys Like Girls came on my Ipod and I just stopped. I listened to the whole song and I started thinking. Then Believe in Me by Demi Lovato came on and I knew what I had to do.
Gopher doesn't belive in me, nor does he trust me. I don't really believe in myself, but I trust myself. I always go with my gut and I haven't done anything stupid in months. So in order for him to believe in me and trust me, I have to believe in myself. So when school starts, I'll go talk to the counsellor and he can give me the number of a new therapist so I never have to see the old one again. Gopher said, "I would love it if you would prove me completely wrong." and that's exactly what I plan to do.

I'm Being Haunted

"I just called your mother, Kaylee." Gopher's mom said that to me over the phone on Tuesday night and it's been hauting me ever since. It makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. I haven't talked to Gopher since I told him that I was done being his friend and I've never been more comfortable not talking to him. I've told all my friends about what happened and they think he's the biggest asshole on the planet. He's lost all of our mutal friends and honestly, I hope he feels miserable.
However, I am totally nervous about running into either Gopher or his mom around the town by myself. I keep running the scenerio over and over in my head and it just doesn't end well. My stomach is constantly in knots. I never want to see either of them again; I know I would just explode at Gopher and I would probably do the same to his mom.
Ugh, no more Gopher. It just makes me mad. Everybody says I should get revenge but I'm just not that kind of person. I'd rather just erase him completely from my life and move on. I've destroyed everything he gave me or that reminds me of him. I've ripped and burned all the pictures of us and programs from all his plays I went to (which is something I told myself I would never do).
I've actually been thinking of moving to Calgary. I have family there and I think I could really use a fresh start. All this Gopher stuff just has me at my end and I think it's time for a change. Maybe just spend a year there and come back for grade 12? I know my mom would agree, but I have to make sure I'm positive about my choice. But so far, my mind is telling me to go.

I HATE GOPHER

Gopher is out of my life for good. I never want to see, talk, or think about him again. The only other person I hate more then Gopher is Robby. Up until 30 minutes ago, Robby was the only person in this world I hated.
If any of you have read my other blog (which I seriously doubt) then you'd know all about my depression and Robby and all the stupid details involved with it all. Gopher knew everything. He knew who Robby was, what he did, and all about my depression and how I deal with it. I felt like I could tell Gopher everything, and I did. He never told me to stop or that he didn't want to know and I loved how we were so open in our relationship. He didn't give the greatest advice, but his hugs could cure anything.
The past month has been really rough but I've only mentioned the break-up in the blog. I've recently found out that my mom might have breat cancer, my dad might not be my dad, and one of my best friends is moving away tomorrow and I blew her off on Monday to talk to Gopher. Things have just piled up and I broke. I haven't done it yet, but I was talking about cutting and taking pills (like I always do when I'm like this) and Gopher happened to be the reciepiant of this information. If he knew how many times I talked about this I would probably be in a hospital. Sarah (my friend who's moving) knows everything that's going on with me and she's the one I call in the middle of the night while I'm crying and thinking like this. She calms me down and stays on the phone with me until I fall asleep. Nothing happens, but its good to get all the feelings out there.
She's moving and I'll probably never see her again and I was already in a really depressed mood from everything and then I find out about Sarah. Gopher was on msn and he took everything I was saying the wrong way. I guess I was hoping he would handle it the way Sarah does, but nope!! He told his mom. Who phoned my mom. My parents and I aren't close, and they don't know that I know this information.
My mom came into my room and went ballistic at me. She thinks the way I was thinking about doing those things was because of me and Gopher's break up. That's the biggest piece of crap I have ever heard. She said that I need to "stop being to pathetic and realize that when it's over, it's over. You need to stop harassing him with these stupid thoughts. There's plenty of fish in the sea. Stop all contact with him. Kaylee, this is ridiculous". The whole time she was yelling at me, my jaw was on the ground. So know thanks to Gopher, I look like the obsessed ex girlfriend who will just die without her boyfriend. NEWSFLASH GOPHER! If you tell people something like this, tell them the full fucking story!!
I'm done with Gopher. He could show up at my house, in a tux with a dozen red roses and I wouldn't forgive him. I will never forgive him for betraying me like this. He clearly wants me in the hospital. I hate him. I never want to speak to him again.

These Four Walls

The surgery went fine, according to the doctor. According to me, it sucked. It hurts so much and I'm constantly stoned on T3s, which is a pretty cool feeling. I can't eat, drink, or talk too well but it's slowly getting better. I've been living on pudding, alphagetties, and One Tree Hill; pretty good weekend.

Now Gopher....
He's back on the mainland and I have mixed feelings about that. I didn't have to worry about running into him while he was there. Now, if history repeats itself, I'm scared to take the bus. Gopher and I met at the end of last summer on the bus. We work really close to eachother and our scheduals were practically identical so we ended up on the same bus everyday for two weeks. I thought he was stalking me and I bet he thought I was stalking him. We didn't end up talking until I showed up on the bus with a baby. He gave me the dirtiest look; he obviously thought that I was a teenage mom (which I'm not). Me, my 2 friends, and the baby ended up in his store. We talked and the rest is history....
I'm scared of taking the bus by myself now. If he and I run into eachother there, it'll be so awkward! Would be sit beside me? Do I sit beside him? This whole break up is awkward. I'm actually pretty mad at him. He was the one who said he wanted to stay best friends and that he would make the effort. But so far, I'm the one doing all the work. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost a best friend and that hurts more. Knowing that I can't open up to him anymore; he doesn't wanna hear all the crap I'm dealing with. He has his own issues. I dunno, this break up still doesn't feel right. I still can't call him my ex. I haven't even told my parents. Not because I'm pretending it didn't happen, but because it doesn't seem real. It's like I need a wake up call. Somebody to just punch me in the face and tell me in the meanest way that my boyfriend left me and he's not comming back.

Do I have a broken heart?
I don't even know.

Scared

For once, Gopher is out of my head. I'm scared. In about 8 hours, I will be under the knife. I'm really scared. I'm having gum surgery. It's been put off since I got my braces on ten months ago and now it's actually happening. I had surgery two years ago so I know what to expect, but being a writer, my imagination is working overtime. I just found out recently that I would be awak for this surgery and not asleep. I cried. I don't wanna know what they're doing. I don't wanna hear what they're saying. Basically, they're just going to freeze my mouth and then just go. The last time a dentist froze my mouth, the needle was longer then my hand!!
I hate needles. I hate the dentist. I hate being cut open and I hate being helpless. I'm just going to create a really up-beat playlist on my iPod and turn it up full blast.

That's all for tonight....let's hope I make it out alive.

More Tears

Before I start....
I found out last night that Gopher has indeed read the blog. I don't know if he's going to check it again (he might) but I'm warning you now Gopher, you probably won't want to.

Now...
Tonight, I saw (500) Days of Summer with my BFF. Oh my god, it put everything into perspective for me. Gopher is Summer and I am Tom. That also makes me Sid and him Nancy. It was easily one of the best movies I have ever seen. I loved the movie, but if Gopher and I are the main characters, I hate the ending. I don't want that to happen to us. I want to open up to him. I want him to think of me when he has a spare Boys Like Girls ticket. I don't want things to be weird, but all my friends are telling me to be the bitch.
So if a chick flick isn't enough to get me thinking, I started listening to Broken by Lifehouse. As soon as the chorus struck, I was bawling. Good thing nobody was home, I hate when people see me cry. I only cry in front of people I'm extremely comfortable infront of. All the Gopher stuff has just finally hit me. It's over. It's never going to happen ever again. I'll be lucky if we even stay friends (Gopher, I know were trying, but let's get real...).
A part of me wishes that he would start a blog, so I could step inside his head like he's done to mine. I always used to censor my thoughts when I was talking to him; I never felt like I could say what was 100% on my mind. I'll never do that again to somebody. Life is way too short.

Finally Smiling

Tonight, I became the bitch from hell, but I'm ok with it! Gopher was on MSN for a couple hours tonight. The conversation started out good and everything seemed okay. It seemed like this "break up" never happened. Then it just went downhill. We were having a video chat (which I thought was a bad idea at first but it turned out ok) and he stuck his tongue out at me. Out of habit, I said, "don't stick your tongue out unless you plan on using it" and the hell was unleased. I became the bitchy-ex just like that.
He made it seem like we broke up so he could be single when he saw these 2 girls he only sees once a year. They're sisters and they all kind of have a thing for eachother (it's really weird and complicated). I got so mad and confused that I just took off. I told him all the things I never really wanted him to know. I told him that I cried all the time, didn't eat properly, didn't want to talk to anybody, and that I craved something sharp every second. I immediatly felt better; like 100 lbs. had been lifted off my chest. I didn't really feel sorry for Gopher. Sure, I didn't have to be such a sarcastic bitch (later in the conversation) but he really needed to hear it. He just wasn't getting it.
I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't talk to him until he gets back on Saturday night. Even though I'll be recovering from surgery and he said he has 40 hours of work next week, we need to find that time. He needs to see it in my eyes how hurt I am and that this was a stupid mistake.
I do still kind of regret telling him my blog and his code name, but what's done is done. I can't take it back. But Gopher...I still want to know if you're reading this.